When Children Grieve—How Adults Can Help

By Alice Adams on 08/05 at 06:56 AM

First, a word of caution: Children don’t grieve like adults.  They have their own ways – perhaps retiring to the family room and playing a video game or going outside and swinging on a swing. 

 

But, have no doubts…the death of a loved one can be a painful experience to a child – maybe even more difficult than for a wise and knowledgeable adult. 

 

Sam was 12 when his grandfather died. He didn’t want to go to the viewing…and his parents didn’t insist.  He did attend the funeral and saw his grandfather, lying in the open casket at the end of the service. 

 

Several weeks went by and each time Sam’s mother asked if he wanted to talk about his grandfather, he declined.  However, about a month after the funeral, Sam’s mother found that her son had taken many of the photographs of his grandfather from the family albums and had placed them in his drawer. 

 

Nothing was ever said…and years later, Sam – now an adult – revealed just how painful the death of his grandfather had been. 

 

The National Funeral Directors Association provides these guidelines when an adult seeks to help a grieving child: 

• Tell the truth. Honesty is the best policy…and it’s often less confusing for the child, especially if you’ve told a white lie and they learn the truth.
• When explaining death, avoid the euphemisms, such as  “Grandma is sleeping,” or “Uncle Joe went on a long trip.” 
• For younger children, your explanation can be as simple, “Grandma’s heart quit working and it won’t work anymore.”
• For older children, more details may be needed to explain the situation.
• Allow the child to go to the funeral. It is healthy for them to witness the event and then ask their questions.  You also may want to prepare them for the service, giving them a sequence of what will happen – and what it means.  Be sure to keep explanations age-appropriate.  Your funeral director can be a great help here – and may even help you prepare the child.
• You always know you’ve given more information than the child needed because they’ll either change the subject or will go off and play with a favorite toy…or they’ll ask for something to eat.  Magically, children know when they’ve reached the saturation point.
• If a child is comfortable in doing so, they can be part of the service.  They may want to read a favorite poem or sing a solo.  A five-year-old sang “The Lord’s Prayer” at a playmate’s funeral. The little girl sang behind the curtain that separated the organist from the chapel, so she wasn’t aware of the details, but years later, she felt good, knowing she had helped the neighbors – the parents of the child who had died.

 

It’s also important to make sure children are eating well, staying hydrated and getting plenty of sleep.  They also may need to exercise and to be around children of their own age. 

 

It may not surprise you that your school-age child may regress in school performance.  Be certain to tell his/her teachers about the loss of a loved one, so they may respond appropriately if they see the child having difficulty at school. 

 

Allow your child to see you grieve. If you need to cry, explain to the child why you are crying. Don’t run out of the room and close the door.  This will only be confusing for the child. 

 

Some time after the death, ask the child to help you compile a memory book about the loved one who recently died.  Make certain there are photographs of the child and the cherished grandmother, aunt, uncle or best friend.  Also, as you work, use this time to talk about the deceased with your child. 
 
 

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